I've decided I want to
write this down so i can move on and forget about Tuesday, March 26 if just for
a while.
Tuesday, March 26
My alarm goes off at
9:30 i jump out of bed and head into the bathroom to put my contacts in and get
ready for our 10 week ultrasound that was at 10:15. Travis was still laying in
bed playing Hay Day on his Ipad as i tell him if he doesn't get up soon we will
be late.
We head to the Dr's
office happy and not worried about anything.
We arrived at the Dr's
office happy that there was no snow on the ground since last time we were
there, snow was still everywhere.
Travis and i went
inside, said hello to the receptionist Melony, and was taken back for vitals
and a urine sample.
We got in to the room i
got undressed and up on the "table" ready for my ultrasound. The Dr
came in shortly after and we started. Our baby had gotten so big!! You could
start to see facial features (at least i thought i could) arms, and legs were
starting to grow and it actually was looking more like a baby!! At first i got
real excited because it had grown. A week before our ultrasound i wrote in my
journal that i was worried there would be something wrong with baby T&O,
something like no heartbeat or something but told myself i was being paranoid,
i had all the pregnancy signs and symptoms that i was reading about.
Partially through the
ultrasound the Dr clicked on the machine to see blood flow, it didn't show much,
baby had none, but he quickly went to the heartbeat finder and it was flat. He
also got out of that quickly. He then started pushing almost like a pulse on my
uterus and you could see baby bounding around in the ultrasound. Travis and i
not really thinking much of it thought he was trying to move it around to get a
better view or wake it up. And then the worst sentence i cold have ever
imagined our Dr would say that day happened. "Well, unfortunately it
didn't make it." That was all i heard as i stared into the ultrasound
monitor. The Dr continued talking but i didn't hear any of what he said, i still don't know what he was saying. All i remember was staring at the screen and
thinking no, no, no, no. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as my favorite
nurse came and held my hand tight in hers, and handed me a tissue. Instantly
without being able to control it i burst into full crying, gasping. The nurse
cried with me for a little while and helped to clean up my make up before she
left me and Travis alone. When she left i held out my hand for Travis, still
laying on the "table" Travis came and scooped me into his arms and
just let me cry into his nice white T-shirt. He let me hold him for what felt
like ever before i finally caught my breathe and let go. still crying i got up
and got dressed and Travis held me again. Then he told me to sit down. He gave
me an amazing blessing and hoped for a miracle if it was gods will and after
that i was still heartbroken but i knew i would survive. After the blessing he
went out and asked the Dr. to take another look. I got undressed again and back
into position. But the results didn't change. Our baby was gone. The
Dr said it could have been a blood clot in the umbilical chord, or
a chromosome issue. He couldn't be positive from just the
ultrasound. He suggested a D&C so they could look at it and study to see
what went wrong. But he mentioned that that surgery could have a possibility of
scaring. I told him no, my issue with being able to get pregnant is all about
scar tissue and i wasn't going to risk any more.
He told me it wasn't
harmful to me to let it miscarry on its own but the emotional toll would be
difficult since it could take anywhere from a week to a whole month for my body
to let it go and miscarry.
Even with the hard
emotional part of it we decided to do mother natures way.
He told us if we were up
to it and if it were possible that when it passes if we could catch it and save
it, then bring it in they could possibly do some studies to see what went
wrong.
He also mentioned that
he was pretty sure it was a chromosome issue from what he could see and if he
was right the chances of this happening with our next pregnancy was less than
15%
This isn't my first loss
but it is very different from my first. It isn't any easier but i feel i am
stronger emotionally to get through it quicker.
As we left i told Travis
that i didn't want to go home and just sit and think about it i wanted to keep
busy. So we drove around to many different places, Sports Clips, Home Depot,
Bath and Body works, Sushi. I felt like i was dead, like a zombie walking
around trying to smile and make jokes but my eyes were burning and at any blink
tears would roll down my cheeks.
The end of the day came
and i wasn't talking to anyone but Travis, I did send my mom a text to let her
now because she knew i had an ultrasound that morning, but i couldn't get
myself to talk to her for fear of breaking down and losing it all over again.
Many friends and family
shared their love and support and sorrow for us and it was comforting but all i
wanted at the end of the day was to snuggle up with the love of my life and
just watch a war movie. We ended up watching Machete which was perfect because
it was dumb and gory which was perfect. No real emotional attachment for
me in it.
Travis and i had a heart
to heart before i fell asleep and it was amazing. words and expressions will
never show how much i truly love that man. All the hardships that we
have had together have only made us stronger!!
This post
probably doesn't make much sense because i feel like my thoughts are
running in every direction but i needed this outlet so that i could start
healing. Although I'm afraid of when the time comes and i do
eventually miscarry. I'm afraid of the pain in brings physically and
emotionally but i know it has to happen.
I'm not sure when we
will be able to do In Vitro again, if i have to wait til after the bleeding
from the miscarriage stops, or if i have to have another full cycle
after. I'm not sure just yet.
We did freeze our
remaining 5 fertilized embryos from our first In Vitro cycle, so this time
around it should be more like an IUI with progesterone shots after. At least
I'm thinking it will be like that. But i am ready to try again as soon as our
Dr. will let me. I am bound and determined to have our child!! I'm done
waiting.
I will not let this
break me, i will hold strong in the church, in my faith and my belief of
the Atonement. Some of the most comforting messages i was given was
that our sweet angel was too pure, too precious to be born into this dark
wicked world that all they needed was a body so that they could return to be
with their father in heaven again. Its comforting to know that i have 2
children in Heaven waiting for me and keeping my future children company as
they wait for the right time to come down to me.
Thank you everyone for
your love and support as always. I don't know where we would be with out all
the thoughts and prayers that are spent on our behalf. Thank you! xoxo