"Unfortunately it didn't make it."

I've decided I want to write this down so i can move on and forget about Tuesday, March 26 if just for a while.

Tuesday, March 26

My alarm goes off at 9:30 i jump out of bed and head into the bathroom to put my contacts in and get ready for our 10 week ultrasound that was at 10:15. Travis was still laying in bed playing Hay Day on his Ipad as i tell him if he doesn't get up soon we will be late.

We head to the Dr's office happy and not worried about anything. 

We arrived at the Dr's office happy that there was no snow on the ground since last time we were there, snow was still everywhere.

Travis and i went inside, said hello to the receptionist Melony, and was taken back for vitals and a urine sample.

We got in to the room i got undressed and up on the "table" ready for my ultrasound. The Dr came in shortly after and we started. Our baby had gotten so big!! You could start to see facial features (at least i thought i could) arms, and legs were starting to grow and it actually was looking more like a baby!! At first i got real excited because it had grown. A week before our ultrasound i wrote in my journal that i was worried there would be something wrong with baby T&O, something like no heartbeat or something but told myself i was being paranoid, i had all the pregnancy signs and symptoms that i was reading about.

Partially through the ultrasound the Dr clicked on the machine to see blood flow, it didn't show much, baby had none, but he quickly went to the heartbeat finder and it was flat. He also got out of that quickly. He then started pushing almost like a pulse on my uterus and you could see baby bounding around in the ultrasound. Travis and i not really thinking much of it thought he was trying to move it around to get a better view or wake it up. And then the worst sentence i cold have ever imagined our Dr would say that day happened. "Well, unfortunately it didn't make it." That was all i heard as i stared into the ultrasound monitor. The Dr continued talking but i didn't hear any of what he said, i still don't know what he was saying. All i remember was staring at the screen and thinking no, no, no, no. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as my favorite nurse came and held my hand tight in hers, and handed me a tissue. Instantly without being able to control it i burst into full crying, gasping. The nurse cried with me for a little while and helped to clean up my make up before she left me and Travis alone. When she left i held out my hand for Travis, still laying on the "table" Travis came and scooped me into his arms and just let me cry into his nice white T-shirt. He let me hold him for what felt like ever before i finally caught my breathe and let go. still crying i got up and got dressed and Travis held me again. Then he told me to sit down. He gave me an amazing blessing and hoped for a miracle if it was gods will and after that i was still heartbroken but i knew i would survive. After the blessing he went out and asked the Dr. to take another look. I got undressed again and back into position. But the results didn't change. Our baby was gone. The Dr said it could have been a blood clot in the umbilical chord, or a chromosome issue. He couldn't be positive from just the ultrasound. He suggested a D&C so they could look at it and study to see what went wrong. But he mentioned that that surgery could have a possibility of scaring. I told him no, my issue with being able to get pregnant is all about scar tissue and i wasn't going to risk any more.

He told me it wasn't harmful to me to let it miscarry on its own but the emotional toll would be difficult since it could take anywhere from a week to a whole month for my body to let it go and miscarry. 

Even with the hard emotional part of it we decided to do mother natures way.

He told us if we were up to it and if it were possible that when it passes if we could catch it and save it, then bring it in they could possibly do some studies to see what went wrong.

He also mentioned that he was pretty sure it was a chromosome issue from what he could see and if he was right the chances of this happening with our next pregnancy was less than 15%

This isn't my first loss but it is very different from my first. It isn't any easier but i feel i am stronger emotionally to get through it quicker. 

As we left i told Travis that i didn't want to go home and just sit and think about it i wanted to keep busy. So we drove around to many different places, Sports Clips, Home Depot, Bath and Body works, Sushi. I felt like i was dead, like a zombie walking around trying to smile and make jokes but my eyes were burning and at any blink tears would roll down my cheeks. 

The end of the day came and i wasn't talking to anyone but Travis, I did send my mom a text to let her now because she knew i had an ultrasound that morning, but i couldn't get myself to talk to her for fear of breaking down and losing it all over again.

Many friends and family shared their love and support and sorrow for us and it was comforting but all i wanted at the end of the day was to snuggle up with the love of my life and just watch a war movie. We ended up watching Machete which was perfect because it was dumb and gory which was perfect. No real emotional attachment for me in it. 

Travis and i had a heart to heart before i fell asleep and it was amazing. words and expressions will never show how much i truly love that man. All the hardships that we have had together have only made us stronger!! 

This post probably doesn't make much sense because i feel like my thoughts are running in every direction but i needed this outlet so that i could start healing. Although I'm afraid of when the time comes and i do eventually miscarry. I'm afraid of the pain in brings physically and emotionally but i know it has to happen. 

I'm not sure when we will be able to do In Vitro again, if i have to wait til after the bleeding from the miscarriage stops, or if i have to have another full cycle after. I'm not sure just yet.

 We did freeze our remaining 5 fertilized embryos from our first In Vitro cycle, so this time around it should be more like an IUI with progesterone shots after. At least I'm thinking it will be like that. But i am ready to try again as soon as our Dr. will let me. I am bound and determined to have our child!! I'm done waiting. 

I will not let this break me, i will hold strong in the church, in my faith and my belief of the Atonement.  Some of the most comforting messages i was given was that our sweet angel was too pure, too precious to be born into this dark wicked world that all they needed was a body so that they could return to be with their father in heaven again. Its comforting to know that i have 2 children in Heaven waiting for me and keeping my future children company as they wait for the right time to come down to me.

Thank you everyone for your love and support as always. I don't know where we would be with out all the thoughts and prayers that are spent on our behalf. Thank you! xoxo

First Ultra Sound

So i just realized i never posted on my blog about our first ultra sound that we had!! I had posted on Facebook and Instagram so i thought i had covered everything but i didn't, sorry blog!

So Travis and I went in on Feb 28 for our first ultra sound, it was so nerve wracking to sit and wait! We got in and started and there was one little baby in there!!! It was amazing to see that little thing! We also got to see its little heartbeat which was SO AMAZING! They told us that i was 6 weeks 3 days and was due October 20th!! We are the happiest people on the earth right now! :) We go back in on the 26th of this month for our last ultra sound with East Bay Fertility before we have to find an OB/GYN! Its too bad that my fertility Dr. and staff don't do pregnancy and delivery because they are amazing! But im sure i will find just as great of an OB/GYN!! 

Today i am 8 weeks 3 days and doing great so far! I still wake up in the middle of the night to pee and then have THE hardest time getting comfortable and falling asleep again! I recently cant stand the smell, taste or sometimes the look of meat these days! Which is really sad because i love meat. So i guess i am a vegetarian for a while. I am loving any fruits but mostly citrus ones! I get tired real easy and towards night time is when i feel the most nauseous. So far so good i consider myself very lucky because i feel great!

Thats all for right now.

Here is a picture of our little blueberry at 6 weeks 3 days

My IVF experience

I had a request to share my IVF experience and all the things i had to do for it, so i decided that it would be good to write it all down and have on my blog for the future!
 So here we go,
In December we were ready to start In-Vitro, we went into the Dr.s office and did an ultrasound and took some blood. We thought we would be starting that month but as the blood results came back i had an Ovarian Cyst that was producing too much estrogen so i had to be put on Birth Control (BC) for that whole month to try and get ride of that cyst.
 Friday January 11 I started my day One!! Travis and i got instant butterflies and were so excited for what was ahead. We got to go in and see my Dr that day! He told us that the cyst was gone and we could go ahead and start the process! AAHHH YAY!! We decided with the Dr's help that with my age being still very young and my body being healthy, besides the aweful scar tissue which was messing everything up, from blocking my ovaries from letting any eggs out to be fertilized, that we would go with the low stim IVF ($7,800-$10,000 ours ended up costing about 9,200 because we had to buy more out of state meds twice, because my body wasn't responding to the normal single dose), also it was much cheaper that Traditional IVF(any where from $17,000-$25,000)!

Day 1: Dr's visit, ultra sound and blood draw
Day 2: relax
Day 3: start oral medications; 2 Chlomid in the morning, 4 Femera at night
Day 4: 2 Chlomid in the morning, 4 Famera at night
Day 5: 2 Chlomid in the morning, 4 Famera at night
Day 6: 2 Chlomid in the morning, 4 Famera at night
Day 7: 2 Chomid in the morning, 4 Famera at night (last day for Famera)
Day 8: 2 Chlomin in the morning
Day 9: 2 Chlomid in the morning (last day) Start Doxycyclin 2 a day (oral antibiotic for egg retrieval op) Dr.s visit were he said my follicles weren't growing as well as he would like to see. He showed us how to give injections and told me to start taking 4 vials of Menagon/REpronex a day and to come back in tomorrow, if they haven't responded to the hormones by tomorrow we have to stop there and wait til next month to do Traditional IVF
Day 10: Doxycyclin 2 a day, 4 vials Menagon/Repronex,  Drs appointment at 9 am the follicles responded and grew from 5's to 9's!! told to continue 4 vials of Menagon/Repronex until they said stop.
Day 11: Doxycyclin 2 a day, 4 vials Menagon/Repronex
Day 12: Doxycyclin 2 a day, 4 vials Menagon/Repronex, Start Antagon in abdomen.
Day 13: Doxycyclin 2 a day, 4 vials Menagon/Repronex, 1 Antagon, Drs appt. 10 am still checking on follicle growth not wanting to miss their window.
Day 14: Doxycyclin 2 a day, 4 vials Menagon/Repronex, 1 Antagon, another Dr.s visit 11am
Day 15: Doxycyclin 2 a day, 4 vials Menagon/Repronex, 1 Antagon, Drs visit at 9 am!! Egg retrieval Schedualed for day 17 Sunday Jan 27! Take HCG trigger shot and Ovadryl injection at 9:30 pm on the dot!(this was to keep me from ovulating so they could retrieve the eggs before they were released.)
Day 16: Doxycyclin 2 a day, no food or drink after 10 pm
Day 17: Egg Retrieval 9 am!! they did an ultra sound make sure that my body hadn't ovulated yet! Then i was taken back to the OR room where i was put under anesthesia while they did they Egg Retrieval. How they do this is the use a special vaginal ultra sound wand that had a needle at the end of it, they use this to poke through the uterine wall and through the ovaries to collect the eggs. Thank goodness i was asleep! While i was in the OR room they had Travis give them a sperm sample. After the procedure I had some light bleeding after and some very light cramps, not bad at all. I started 1/2 CC of progesterone
Day 18: 1/2 cc Progesterone Dr's office called all 7 eggs were fertilized and 5 looked almost identical which was really good! Egg Transfer date scheduled Day 20 Wednesday Jan 30!
Day 19: 1/2 cc Progesterone
Day 20: 1/2 cc Progesterone, Egg Transfer at 10 am, i was told to take a Valium half hour before appointment and to have my bladder half full to make the transfer go more smoothly. Before we had the transfer the Embryologist showed us our fertilized embryos!! It was amazing he even told us to take pictures of them through the microscope!! I was super excited about that! It was hard to pick the very best 2 from almost perfect 5 but we were able to find little differences in each which helped us to decide which 2. We put 2, 8 cell grade AB embryos into my body. I was so relaxed and woozy from the Valium that it was awesome. The Transfer was painless and so cool to see those little embryos from the ultra sound being put into my uterus!! I stayed lying down on the table for 20 min after that and then was told i could get up and go. Scheduled pregnancy blood draw 12 days from today. Monday Feb 11 at 9 am.
Day 21: 1/2 cc Progesterone, Start of 3 day bed rest, Dr's orders do not get up unless to pee, no sugar or greasy oily foods. Only happy movies, no drama, no intense or scary movies. :(
Day 22: 1/2 cc Progesterone, Bed rest day #2
Day 23: 1/2 cc Progesterone, Last day bed rest yay!!
Day 24: 1/2 cc Progesterone, able to get up and do normal activities but still keep good diet and no exercising just yet
Day 25: 1/2 cc progesterone
Day 26: 1/2 cc progesterone
Day 27: 1/2 cc progesterone, This stuff is SO THICK that the needle for it is huge, it also puddles in your body if you don't rub it in good enough and you get huge painful knots, even if i rubbed them in good i still got huge painful knots!!
Day 28: 1/2 cc Progesterone
Day 29: 1/2 cc Progesterone
Day 30: 1/2 cc Progesterone
Day 31: 1/2 cc Progesterone
Day 32: 1/2 cc Progesterone, 9am Pregnancy blood draw and progesterone level check!! This was the quickest Dr's visit we had ever had, in and out within 5 min. We ended up waiting 2 hours for their call and we couldn't wait any more so we drove back down the the Dr.s office where the Dr. got to tell us himself that anything over a 5 is pregnant and we were at 169!! So we were for sure pregnant! He also told us that with levels being this high its possible that there could be twins in there, or just one really strong one, it could go either way! So we set up our first ultrasound for 2 1/2 weeks from then, being Thursday Feb 28th at 9 am! We were also told to start taking only 1/4 cc Progesterone injection for 4 more days then we would check the levels again.
Day 33: 1/4 cc Progesterone
Day 34: 1/4 cc Progesterone
Day 35:  1/4 cc Progesterone
Day 36: 14 cc Progesterone
Day 39: Went in got blood done, turns out my levels were great and i got to stop taking the Progesterone shots!!!! YYYYAAAYYY!!!
This whole month i was pretty much trapped in the house because i wasn't allowed to stress and with being on these hormones everything stressed me out, i mean EVERYTHING it was insane. Glad to report that has gone away quite a bit and i feel pretty normal with stress :)

Today i am at day 46 and have my ultra sound on this coming Thursday!! To say that i am so very excited is an understatement!!!
Some side effects that I've noticed would be, that i do pee a bit more often than usual, I'm a lot more thirsty, my chest is tender and growing!!! Bras are so uncomfortable!! I am a stomach sleeper and ever since the week i did the Egg Transfer i haven't been able to sleep on my stomach without waking up feeling sick! My abdomen area is very sensitive i cant wear jeans unless the waist is a little loose, leggings are my best friend lately! I get really tired every night at 10 pm, if i am in bed and i turn on my side and close my eyes, i am out within minutes, and i never used to fall asleep so fast before, EVER!
We don't know our estimated Due Date (EDD) just yet or how many weeks i am but from what i have read i think I'm about 7 weeks and due mid October.... but i guess our ultrasound will clear those questions up when it comes! :)  and that's pretty much my IVF low stimulus experience!! It got hard emotionally and physically some days but it was worth it 100 times over. I had a very big fear of needles and now i don't fear them nearly as much as i did before. This experience has made Travis and I grow even more as a couple, and i know that with the past 3 years of infertility we have SUCH a strong relationship that nothing could tear us apart we really have become the best of friends i could have ever hoped for.
I am so excited to finally be pregnant with our child, I'm already further along that i was with my first pregnancy so every day is a gift for us!!!!
Thank you all for reading hope this was interesting and informative! If you have any questions on IVF i love talking about it and would be glad to answer any questions!!

Pregnancy Blood Test!

This morning at 9 am we had a pregnancy blood test! I have been so nervous that i didn't sleep well at ALL last night! I was up all night tossing and turning!
We got in at 9 drew the blood and were done within 5 min. our quickest Drs. visit yet!
Travis and I sat around at home after for about 2 hours waiting for them to call us with our results. We couldn't wait anymore, we decided to stop back by the office and hear the news in person!
We got there and Dr. Andrews came out of his office saying how he was just about to call us. So we walked into the office real nervous and he didn't leave us guessing for long.
Dr. Andrews told us we were pregnant!!!!!!!!! HOLY COW!! I started to cry and shake i was so excited. He told us that anything over a 5 is pregnant and our levels were 169. So we were very happy with that! He told us everything was looking great and that i get to half my dose of progesterone and take it for the next 4 days and then i am done! Yay my hips are so sore!!
The Dr. told us that in our ultra sound on the 28 of this month we would be able to tell if there is only one baby or if there are more babies in there!! I really am hoping for twins so the praying and finger crossing isn't over yet!
Its so crazy to think that 1 miscarriage, 2 IUI's, 3 years and many Drs., tests, heartache, tears and money later, IVF has done the trick for us!! It feels too good to be true I'm still having a hard time believing it.
I kind of cheated, i took a pregnancy test on the 2nd and there was a very very VERY faint line but a line none the less, i hadn't see one of these in 3 years so i bought more tests and took them all the way up to yesterday and each day the line grew darker, it was so amazing to see that little pink line grow and have such an effect on me and Travis, but of course we didn't want to get our hopes up until for sure it was confirmed by the blood!! :D
Today has been such a great day and i hope for many more great days to follow!! Its so crazy to me to think that after everything we have gone through these last 3 years it might all finally be over... Travis and I are SO ready for a baby(ies) the way we see it we had to wait 3 years, 2 at once would be a bonus!!
We are so ecstatic right now! i just wanted to share our happy news with all you great family friends supportive followers and anyone that reads my little blog. IVF is a real life miracle!!!
If ANYONE is having problems getting pregnant i highly suggest you go to Dr. Larry Andrews at East Bay Fertility in Provo Utah he is a miracle man and his whole staff is amazing so sweet and caring and easy to talk to! Im so grateful for prayers and inspiration because without either we never would have found our Dr.
Thanks for reading everyone ill keep you updated on life and for sure once we have our first ultra sound on the 28th!! :)

Egg Transfer

So i figured it was about time that i posted about my Egg Transfer!!
We went in at 10am on Wednesday and got to look at our fertilized eggs, which was sooo cool!! We picked the very best 2 eggs which the Embryologist said was hard to pick because there were 3 eggs that looked almost identical! They were 8 cell grade AB embryos.
Then we transferred them back in!! It was so cool to see through the ultra sound and see the eggs being pushed through the tube and into the uterus!!
After that we went home i was still pretty loop from the Valium so i went straight to bed for like half hour til it wore off haha then it was Chick Flicks and Comedies for the next 3 days.
I was Told to be on bed rest for 3 days and not get up for anything but to go to the bathroom!! And this part has been pretty hard, no sugar especially chocolate, no fried or greasy foods which makes sense because its healthy :) Travis had been such a big help in taking care of me and so has his mom! My mother-in-law has been such a big help she has been bringing us lunch and dinner for those 3 days of bed rest so that Travis didn't have to worry about it and that we got fed some good food :) Its been great!
I do have to admit that i am excited to be able to get up tomorrow and do things for myself even though this has been nice and for a good cause.
10 more days till we get to find out if we are pregnant or not!! We cannot wait, time is going by so slowly!!
So far no side effects just little bits of random cramping but nothing big just very minor, other than that nothing. I really hope that it works this time for us! Well thats it for now!