This is how i felt this week... like i was in a storm
Well you know how i struggle with getting pregnant and yet i always seem to be talking about it. I'm sorry about that, but this is my blog :) 2 weeks ago i started to feel really tired all the time and i had a sour stomach 90% of the time as well, i didn't want to psych myself out like i ALWAYS do so i tried not to think anything of it, well after about 3 days after i was supposed to start i started to get super excited, i haven't been late in over 6 months this had to be it!! It had to finally be my time!! So after work i went to the store and bought some pregnancy tests. I waited til the next morning to take it, and to no ones surprise it was negative. Well after another 3 days i took a second test, and again a very clear negative. At this time i was about 6 days late and still had hope since i had just heard a story from a friend that her sister took 4 tests within the time period of a week and the 4th one came out positive so i was positive that everything would work out and i would still be pregnant. Well i feel like someone is trying to break my spirits because on day 7 of being late my non-friend decided to show up. So what is wrong with me?! Why get me wishing and praying and excited just to tear my down and break my spirits again, hasn't 2 years been enough of that!? I know that this is my trial but its like telling a kid to grab a cookie from the cookie jar but every time he sticks his hand in to grab one he gets shocked over and over again as he is trying. I am trying to be obedient and create life to grow up in the gospel but why isn't he letting me?? I guess i still have much to learn and my will to keep fighting is slowly falling apart. Needless to say this week has been hard, EVERYONE is pregnant!! and im not being dramatic i mean literally everyone i know and their dogs are pregnant! And while i am happy for them, i just want to be like them. Anyways that's all that has really happened lately, Travis birthday, my birthday and Christmas in California are all coming up in the next few months so that will be exciting. Work is going good, its been pretty busy so it will be nice once it slows down if it does, i have learned to really appreciate my weekends off.
My RS presidency stoped by the house the other night to visit with me which was really nice, im so gratefully for the amazingly welcoming and friendly ward we are now in.
This Sunday Travis best friend/Cousin Brock is having his homecoming up in Tooele so it will be very nice to see him again, i know that Travis is excited.
Well i think that's about all i had on my mind, its nice to let it all out it feels good to let go and just shed the layers that seem to pile up on you.
I often feel like all i do is complain about my problems so im sorry to all you readers, but it helps me to not go crazy.
It's your blog, use it how you need. I don't think anyone could fault you for having a hard time with this, if they do it is because they have never experienced it themselves and therefore have no room to talk. Let it out, you can't keep it in, it will eat you up. I love you more than you know! So sorry!!! <>
ReplyDeleteIt is your trial. I don't understand any more than you do but I do know that Heavenly Father is very aware of you and your desires. He hasn't forgotten you even if it feels like he has. He is right there with you. Somehow someway you will learn what it is for you to learn and it will all make sense. Til then keep smiling and keep blogging and have faith that it will happen! Remember though that Faith without works if dead, you may need to see if you have done all you can on your part. We all pray for you and put your name in the temple, so know that you are not alone. Your earthly family as well as your Heavenly Family is there for you. Don't ever forget that and though this seems like an eternity it will pass!!! Love you!!!!
ReplyDeleteIts a tough road and we few with fertility problems were selected especially by God. He has chosen us because he knows we are strong. It will happen I promise. and i know you probably don't want me to tell you that it takes time but there it is. Even for me. I know where you are coming from. Lost identical twin girls at 14 weeks on July 25, 2007 and a son at 14 weeks May 1, 2008. And like you this month I was late. Took two test the first week that were both neg, took another at ten days late, Got my positive that I had been waiting for. Sadly day 11 started bleeding and had a complete miscarriage again. Was 5 weeks 3 days. We have to be strong to deal with these types of trials but I assure you God knows you and Trav and his timing is perfect and he will grant you your wish for a child. We just can't predict his time all we can do is help it along and know that at some point your timing and his will match perfectly and someday soon you will be holding your bundle of joy in your arms! Love ya tons Little cousin! I'll pray for you. BTW its been very helpful for me to open up in the TTC after miscarriage page on facebook. It's totally private, no one outside of the group can see what you post even with facebooks lack of privacy now and maybe someone has some answers for you. and just the general support makes an amazing difference I promise! They are all women who have been in our shoes and are going through the same troubles we are. I learn something new from one or more of them every day I am on there! Once again love you tons and here's some *~*~*~*~BABY DUST*~*~*~* just for you. Who knows maybe you will get, what we girls on TTCAM call, your Rainbow Baby (Its a baby conceived and born happy and healty after a loss, like a rainbow comes after the storm) <3 <3 <3
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