Wednesday, April 3, 2013

"Unfortunately it didn't make it."

I've decided I want to write this down so i can move on and forget about Tuesday, March 26 if just for a while.

Tuesday, March 26
My alarm goes off at 9:30 i jump out of bed and head into the bathroom to put my contacts in and get ready for our 10 week ultrasound that was at 10:15. Travis was still laying in bed playing Hay Day on his Ipad as i tell him if he doesn't get up soon we will be late.
We head to the Dr's office happy and not worried about anything. 
We arrived at the Dr's office happy that there was no snow on the ground since last time we were there, snow was still everywhere.
Travis and i went inside, said hello to the receptionist Melony, and was taken back for vitals and a urine sample.
We got in to the room i got undressed and up on the "table" ready for my ultrasound. The Dr came in shortly after and we started. Our baby had gotten so big!! You could start to see facial features (at least i thought i could) arms, and legs were starting to grow and it actually was looking more like a baby!! At first i got real excited because it had grown. A week before our ultrasound i wrote in my journal that i was worried there would be something wrong with baby T&O, something like no heartbeat or something but told myself i was being paranoid, i had all the pregnancy signs and symptoms that i was reading about.
Partially through the ultrasound the Dr clicked on the machine to see blood flow, it didn't show much, baby had none, but he quickly went to the heartbeat finder and it was flat. He also got out of that quickly. He then started pushing almost like a pulse on my uterus and you could see baby bounding around in the ultrasound. Travis and i not really thinking much of it thought he was trying to move it around to get a better view or wake it up. And then the worst sentence i cold have ever imagined our Dr would say that day happened. "Well, unfortunately it didn't make it." That was all i heard as i stared into the ultrasound monitor. The Dr continued talking but i didn't hear any of what he said, i still don't know what he was saying. All i remember was staring at the screen and thinking no, no, no, no. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as my favorite nurse came and held my hand tight in hers, and handed me a tissue. Instantly without being able to control it i burst into full crying, gasping. The nurse cried with me for a little while and helped to clean up my make up before she left me and Travis alone. When she left i held out my hand for Travis, still laying on the "table" Travis came and scooped me into his arms and just let me cry into his nice white T-shirt. He let me hold him for what felt like ever before i finally caught my breathe and let go. still crying i got up and got dressed and Travis held me again. Then he told me to sit down. He gave me an amazing blessing and hoped for a miracle if it was gods will and after that i was still heartbroken but i knew i would survive. After the blessing he went out and asked the Dr. to take another look. I got undressed again and back into position. But the results didn't change. Our baby was gone. The Dr said it could have been a blood clot in the umbilical chord, or a chromosome issue. He couldn't be positive from just the ultrasound. He suggested a D&C so they could look at it and study to see what went wrong. But he mentioned that that surgery could have a possibility of scaring. I told him no, my issue with being able to get pregnant is all about scar tissue and i wasn't going to risk any more.
He told me it wasn't harmful to me to let it miscarry on its own but the emotional toll would be difficult since it could take anywhere from a week to a whole month for my body to let it go and miscarry. 
Even with the hard emotional part of it we decided to do mother natures way.
He told us if we were up to it and if it were possible that when it passes if we could catch it and save it, then bring it in they could possibly do some studies to see what went wrong.
He also mentioned that he was pretty sure it was a chromosome issue from what he could see and if he was right the chances of this happening with our next pregnancy was less than 15%

This isn't my first loss but it is very different from my first. It isn't any easier but i feel i am stronger emotionally to get through it quicker. 

As we left i told Travis that i didn't want to go home and just sit and think about it i wanted to keep busy. So we drove around to many different places, Sports Clips, Home Depot, Bath and Body works, Sushi. I felt like i was dead, like a zombie walking around trying to smile and make jokes but my eyes were burning and at any blink tears would roll down my cheeks. 

The end of the day came and i wasn't talking to anyone but Travis, I did send my mom a text to let her now because she knew i had an ultrasound that morning, but i couldn't get myself to talk to her for fear of breaking down and losing it all over again.

Many friends and family shared their love and support and sorrow for us and it was comforting but all i wanted at the end of the day was to snuggle up with the love of my life and just watch a war movie. We ended up watching Machete which was perfect because it was dumb and gory which was perfect. No real emotional attachment for me in it. 

Travis and i had a heart to heart before i fell asleep and it was amazing. words and expressions will never show how much i truly love that man. All the hardships that we have had together have only made us stronger!! 

This post probably doesn't make much sense because i feel like my thoughts are running in every direction but i needed this outlet so that i could start healing. Although I'm afraid of when the time comes and i do eventually miscarry. I'm afraid of the pain in brings physically and emotionally but i know it has to happen. 

I'm not sure when we will be able to do In Vitro again, if i have to wait til after the bleeding from the miscarriage stops, or if i have to have another full cycle after. I'm not sure just yet.
 We did freeze our remaining 5 fertilized embryos from our first In Vitro cycle, so this time around it should be more like an IUI with progesterone shots after. At least I'm thinking it will be like that. But i am ready to try again as soon as our Dr. will let me. I am bound and determined to have our child!! I'm done waiting. 

I will not let this break me, i will hold strong in the church, in my faith and my belief of the Atonement.  Some of the most comforting messages i was given was that our sweet angel was too pure, too precious to be born into this dark wicked world that all they needed was a body so that they could return to be with their father in heaven again. Its comforting to know that i have 2 children in Heaven waiting for me and keeping my future children company as they wait for the right time to come down to me.

Thank you everyone for your love and support as always. I don't know where we would be with out all the thoughts and prayers that are spent on our behalf. Thank you! xoxo

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