Its been 8 months since i miscarried, and each month brought new hope that maybe this was the month, maybe finally it was our time. Eight months passing by while watching all the pregnant women around me getting bigger, finding out what their precious baby is, boy or girl. And me sitting here hoping that soon, that will be me. Its hard to believe that i will ever become one of those women. This month we were so hopeful on being pregnant, the past few months i had been spot on regular with mother natures gift. This month however i was late!!! I was so excited so hopeful so positive and kinda cautious too not wanting to set myself up for disappointment, because come on honestly you think after eight months of being disappointed you'd get used to it right? WRONG!! i dont think i will ever get used to seeing a negative pregnancy test.
So 5 days late, no cramping no signs of the possibility of even starting. and then i wake up Monday morning prepared to take a pregnancy test when i find the worst sight you can have when trying to get pregnant. Of course i started the day i was going to take the test.... i even waited 5 DAYS!!! i am NEVER late!! but someone keeps thinking its fun to pull pranks on me and play games with mine and my hubbys hearts. Its so hard for me and i often forget that this has an effect on my loving husband as much as it does me, i forget because he is just much more closed about it and hides it well from me but I've been noticing the last few months how much it discourages him as well as myself. So we have decided we are done with waiting for nature to give us a baby. We are going in to the OB/GYN to see if we cant get on some fertility pills! I keep telling Travis, "Maybe we aren't getting pregnant on our own so we have to go get help and then maybe we will have twins!!!!" i want a baby so badly that if i were to find out i were having twins, id be in heaven, and everyone tells me I'm crazy, but i don't care i know i could do it and love it!!! I hate to whine and complain on here about my sad baby cravings but its been a while since i have, I'm due for another therapy venting session :)
I feel like i will never have that baby growing inside of me, seeing the belly grow, hearing the heartbeat and seeing the baby in the ultrasound. It just doesn't feel like that will ever be for me, just because i keep getting shut down each month.
I kept holding off on going to the Dr. for help on getting pregnant because i thought, well the Dr told me after i miscarried that its much easier to become pregnant again after that. So i kept hoping he would be right and a few months after miscarrying id be pregnant again. But i think because of the complications i had with having a tubal pregnancy also, is why its taking me so long to get pregnant. Maybe my body is still recovering from all the trauma that has come upon it in the last year. But no more waiting i am going into my Dr. and saying, look here!!! give me some of them fertility pills so i can have a baby with my husband yo!!! :) haha maybe not those exact words ;) but of course if i get any fun, exciting, or interesting news ill keep you updated. Thanks for all the love and support, and for putting up with my complaining and blubbering!!